I Am Embarassed

I am embarrassed.
Always.
in front of you
in front of them.
Always.
and comfort is stripped
from my body.
I am all that remains in a junkyard.
This is depression.
This is anxiety.
I hide in the corner of anywhere
but my room will suffice.
Here they cant know how
dirty and strange I am.
I am free to be me here.
I can be sad all over again
and again
ANd no one can say shit!
My mind is a rifle
better yet a machine gun.
I’m a weapon
and not in any inspiring “I can do everything!” type of way
Because I cant.
Even better, its a bomb
Any minute.
Any second,
I can burst,
I am bursting.
The balloon has swelled and carried me off.
and now, im trying to get back down to solid ground.
Everything I see under me keeps expanding..
The distance from me to reality is infinite.
They say I dream too much.

They say I dream too much.
They are right.
Wouldn’t you?
If you wanted to die
and not know
if tomorrow will be the day you gain the initiative
to do it yourself.
Wouldn’t you?
If all your failures and
every embarrassing moment of you being a creep,
or every humiliating thing you ever said
is on repeat
banging against you.
Slamming against you.
Plotting against you.
Wouldn’t you want to run away into a dream?
This is a domestic violence relationship with myself.
Yes.
I am a coward.
I am a fragile solider that somehow resides on the losing team.

and yes all this seems so basic.
Words seem too basic
If I had a hologram figure
showing you the bloody mayhem
and Armageddon that I created in my head ..
All the compulsive thoughts
and all the fucked up things I say
about myself every 5 minutes
Even that seems too basic

My thoughts vaunted and sacred
hang in my mind like a ghoulish
catholic portrait.
I am captivated.
I am Frightened.
Maybe if I look towards
my pain for redemption
and stress a little bit harder
or retreat a little bit further
a savoir might just arrive.
–Cam Ie